the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
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