mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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