i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
