Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
