Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
