no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
