My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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