o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
