before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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