he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
