I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
