This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
