At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
