Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How does one acquire holy water?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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