Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I intend to get homeless drunk
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize