So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
