Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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