If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
