Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
