I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize