Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
