my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
