textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
