saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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