So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
