I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
