We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
