I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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