I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
