anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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