The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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