I can text with my tongue
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
is wine microwaveable?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
