some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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