the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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