Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
