it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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