My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
