It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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