The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
