I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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