If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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