Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
