OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
