I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
