I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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