that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
