trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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