I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
