How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
