jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
