I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
