Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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