halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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