There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize