My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
