dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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