So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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