WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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