So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
