I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
