Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
