I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
